Why do we hurt each other as husband and wife? Why do two people who have committed to love each other for a lifetime sometimes forget each other, ignore each other, or turn on each other? Because every marriage is made up of two imperfect people who are sometimes thoughtless, insensitive, unkind, or downright selfish. And two imperfect people sharing the same space are bound to get into disagreements. We all get into these marital "fender benders" now and then, no matter how much we may wish to avoid them and how sad we feel when they happen.
It's kind of like driving on our crowded streets and freeways. None of us ever intends to have an accident, but it happens some- times. Even if you drive defensively and have a perfect record, some of the people around you don't. Someone follows too closely, tries to race through on a yellow light, forgets to check the mirror before changing lanes, or backs out of a parking space without looking. A momentary lapse of driver alertness and— crunch! You have a fender bender to deal with—or worse. Every marriage has its share of relational misunderstandings and mistakes, clashes and cold shoulders, sharp words and shouting matches that result in pain. And sometimes it's more like a head-on collision causing major damage—such as betrayal, unfaithfulness, or abuse. It doesn't matter how deeply you and your spouse love each other, conflict and hurt at some level are inevitable. It's not a question of
if  only when.


So what do you do when it happens?

 How do you respond when a conflict brings hurt to you, your spouse, or both of you?
 Many couples, like the examples opening this chapter, don't know what to do.
 So they do nothing and inevitably drift apart.

Diane Sollee, founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education, states,
 "The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. "

 Most marriage surveys reveal that resolving conflict and hurt is right up there with communication as the biggest problem facing couples. Our own experience at America's Family Coaches bears this out. We know what to do when we tangle bumpers