All the good ones are either gay, married, or dead

All the good ones are either gay, married, or dead

People often assume that older widows don't get married because there just aren't enough single men to go around who can still enjoy a date. It's true that there are more single women than men in the older age groups, but the women are not all circling those few like sharks in the water. Obviously, there are plenty of women who are widowed and not dating, and for lots of reasons. But what about the ones who are dating? We would be wrong to assume that all of those women are hearing wedding bells.

Myth #34 If older widows date, it's to find a new husband

In 2012, widows accounted for 37% of women aged 65 and older (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration on Aging, Administration for Community Living, 2012). It's generally assumed that these older widows would like to remarry and that when they decide to start dating, it's with the intention of finding a new husband.

Even if some older widows are hoping to remarry and are dating for the sole purpose of finding a new spouse, there's a good bit of evidence that this is not as common as people often assume. Watson and Stelle (2011) interviewed 14 white, middle-class, heterosexual women (aged 64 to 77) who lived in central Texas and were dating. Although dating was considered a path to remarriage for some of them, most of these women considered going out on a date just an opportunity to have fun and companionship. They viewed dating as a way to enhance an already satisfying life, but without the commitment of marriage. They did not necessarily want to give up their lives as independent women. Even so, they wanted a place in a couples-oriented world that would involve dancing, dinner, and movies, and, yes, also sexual intimacy in some cases.

Dickson, Hughes, and Walker (2005) interviewed women of a similar demographic, but from a large city in the western U.S. Their findings were similar to those of Watson and Stelle (2011) in that the women in this study also reported that they enjoyed dating and needed men in their lives. Even so, many of them felt that the men wanted more from them than they were willing to give – that is, the men wanted to get married. The authors labeled one theme prevalent in the women's responses as “nurse and purse.” This refers to the fact that these women believed that many of the older single men (widowers or otherwise) they met were looking for someone to take care of them, and some felt that the men were after their money. The women in this study didn't want to lose their autonomy because of the potential ill health of a partner. Furthermore, they were hesitant to merge their finances.

Davidson (2001) interviewed 25 British women and 26 British men aged 65 to 92, all of whom had been widowed for at least two years. The women were much less likely than the men to have even considered remarriage. In fact, none of the women were in an exclusive cross-gender romantic relationship at the time of study, although eight of the men were. Furthermore, only one of the women said she would like to get married again. Davidson noted that the women tended to see men as selfish and as needing a woman to be empathetic and caring. These women felt that men (even healthy men) needed to be “looked after,” and they thought that they had had enough of that. The main reason that these widows gave for not wishing to remarry was that they didn't want to look after another man. In addition, they couldn't imagine ever being able to replace a lost spouse. Furthermore, the women were enjoying their freedom. In contrast, none of the men in Davidson's study mentioned not wishing to care for a woman as a reason for not having remarried. “The popular image of young men relinquishing their freedom on marriage seems to be reversed in later life: It is women who resist being dragged kicking and screaming up the aisle” (pp. 315–316).

Some long-term marriages do become caregiving relationships, most commonly with wives caring for husbands. Spousal caregiving is stressful, and it can lead to a sense of burden and even to various types of physical distress. When the recipient of care dies, leaving a widow to start a new kind of life, you can imagine how this could be a mixed blessing. Death of a spouse can be a relief if being married entails caregiving 24/7 for someone who no longer recognizes you, as might be the case when the spouse has Alzheimer's disease. Nevertheless, in some cases, a surviving spouse who has served in a caregiving role to her deceased husband for a long period of time before his death might benefit from the feeling that she had been useful and that she and her husband had become especially close in the husband's final months. Even so, it's reasonable to appreciate the point of view of a widow who doesn't want to risk replaying this role by becoming a nurse a second time around.

In recent years, online dating services have made it easier for older adults to meet people and also easier for researchers to study the motivations older people have for dating. AARP (2012a) conducted a survey of 1,000 single (divorced, separated, widowed, never-married) men and women over the age of 50 and found that 27% of people who were currently dating were using an online dating site. More women than men said they were using online dating to find friendship/companionship, whereas more men than women used it to find intimacy/sexual relations.

Banking on the potential for increased online dating for older people, AARP has started its own dating site (powered by howaboutwe.com), which encourages older people to decide quickly about whether to forge ahead with a possible new relationship. A member starts by posting a profile and finding a likely candidate to contact with an idea for a date (“How about we…”). No long emails back and forth, no deciding whether to meet only after getting to know one another online or by phone. Men and women can just go on a date and then make a decision about further dates (AARP, 2012b).

So what are older adults putting in their profiles on this and similar dating sites? McIntosh, Locker, Briley, Ryan, and Scott (2011) compared Internet dating profiles on match.com posted by young (aged 25–35) and older (aged 65+) men and women. They found that younger women posted profiles that specified a preference for men who were slightly older, but older women shifted toward a preference for younger partners. The older women may be restricting their dating pool, but their preference for slightly younger men makes sense in light of the fact that in the 65+ age group, there are four times as many widows as widowers (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration on Aging, Administration for Community Living, 2012). However, the older women's profiles indicating a preference for slightly younger men could also signal their concern about the “nurse and purse” problem that we mentioned earlier. With regard to the “nurse” aspect, older women do not want to become caregivers to older men; by preferring younger men they hope to avoid this role. With regard to the “purse” aspect, older women had a higher preferred income for their dates than did younger women, whereas there was no such difference between older and younger men. Older women don't want to be the economic mainstay for a new mate.

In sum, the best way to find a new spouse is probably to start dating. If older widows want to remarry, then we should find evidence for that in their motives for dating. As it happens, there's been considerable recent research on the phenomenon of older adult singles' desire to enter the dating world. Although many older women want to date, they are not all in the game to find a husband. A fair proportion of them want the companionship they get from a man, but they want to maintain their independence. And they certainly are cautious about assuming the role of “nurse and purse.”