Growing old can only mean there is more opportunity to enjoy the bliss of family relationships
Did the author Louisa May Alcott get it right when she said every house needs a grandmother in it? What about the humorist Sam Levenson, who's credited with the thought that the reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy? We're not going to get into the opinions of grandchildren, but we do have some surprising revelations about the common wisdom that grandparents would love nothing better than to spend all their time with their grandchildren, whom they adore equally and blindly. We're also going to look at the clichés surrounding the togetherness of the generations when it comes to living situations. We'll also grapple with the question of whether blood really is thicker than water when it comes to late-life sibling relationships. How about this from the famous writer, Unknown: “I am smiling because you are my brother, I am laughing because there is nothing you can do about it!”
Myth #26 Older adults would choose living with kids and grandkids rather than living alone
More than a few people truly believe that older adults don't want to maintain their own households – given a choice, they would move in with adult children and grandchildren at the first opportunity. The implication is that older adults are lonely and feel their lives are incomplete unless they live under the same roof with other family members. Historically, intergenerational co-residence was not unusual. In the mid-nineteenth century, 70% of older people were living with adult children (Ruggles, 2007). In many instances, extended families formed an economic unit, such as running the family farm. During the Great Depression, which began in 1929, many urban family members may have had to live under the same roof out of economic necessity.
In the U.S., there are fewer multi-generational extended families living in the same household today compared with many years ago. As of 2008, only 16.1% of Americans were living in a household with at least two adult generations (Pew Research Center, 2010). Nevertheless, the myth persists that this type of living arrangement is ideal, and that older adults who live on their own are isolated from and abandoned by their families (Bengston, Rosenthal, & Burton, 1996). This myth may be especially widely believed with regard to older women who would otherwise have to live alone (Seltzer, Lau, & Bianchi, 2012).
The eminent gerontologist Ethyl Shanas (1979) conducted a survey to determine what living arrangements older adults actually prefer. Her findings were quite clear: the majority of older adults didn't yearn to live under the same roof with adult children and grandchildren. Rather, they placed great value on maintaining separate households as long as they were physically and economically capable of doing so. Even so, they wanted to maintain their involvement with adult children and grandchildren. They didn't feel neglected by them just because they did not live under the same roof – joint living was not a requirement when it came to an emotional bond. Over half the older adults surveyed lived within 10 minutes of at least one adult child, many had visited with an adult child in the week prior to the interview, and there were frequent telephone conversations with children. These older adults expressed a desire for what Shanas termed “intimacy at a distance.”
Shanas concluded that the dominant family structure in the U.S. at that time could be described as the modified extended family, which consists of a broad kinship network that includes grandparents, parents, grandchildren, siblings, and even nephews, nieces, and other relatives by blood or marriage. Members of the modified extended family have frequent contact and provide support for one another even though they do not live or work together. It is entirely possible that nowadays there is greater physical distance (miles, travel time) between older adults and their children, grandchildren, and other relatives. Nevertheless, the cost of long-distance phone conversations is much lower than it used to be, and technology such as Skype is readily available. This technology makes it easier for family members who don't live in the same city or even in the same state to maintain intimacy at a distance.
Even so, we are obliged to consider several factors that could temper Shanas' conclusions about “intimacy at a distance.” First, certain ethnic groups in the U.S. maintain a tradition of having older adults live with adult children (see Table 4.1). Second, economics play an important role – older adults may lack sufficient monetary resources to live in a separate household or to move into costly assisted living apartments when they need help with the tasks of everyday living. Under such circumstances, older adults may have little or no choice but to move in with an adult child. Also, with the difficult job market in recent years, more adult children continue to live with their parents because of financial constraints. Some who may have established and maintained a separate household may be forced to move back in with older parents because of job loss or divorce.
Table 4.1 Percent of multi-generational households by ethnic group
Source: Adapted from Pew Research Center, 2010.
| Ethnic group | % |
| Hispanic | 22 |
| Black | 23 |
| Asian | 25 |
| White | 13 |
In an article published in the AARP Bulletin, Abrahms (2013, April) describes a developing trend in the U.S.: three generations living together in what has been termed “multi-generational housing” or “multigen housing.” Abrahms refers to statistics collected by the Pew Research Center (2011), which are based on U.S. Census Bureau data: 51 million Americans (16.7% of the population) presently live in a house with at least two adult generations, and multi-generational households increased by 10.5% from 2007 to 2009. Abrahms also notes that 61% of Americans aged 25 to 34 have friends or family members who have had to move back in with parents or other relatives because they have no job, no money, and no other place to live. Some of the nation's biggest homebuilders, aware of this growing trend, have responded by introducing housing with floor plans with more than one master suite and/or flexible space such as a family room that can be converted into a bedroom and bathroom. In some instances, adult children and their elderly parents have combined resources to purchase a “Nex Gen” concept home, which is actually two homes in one – a main home as well as a smaller attached unit with its own entrance, kitchen, bedroom, living space, and garage. These arrangements can be helpful if several generations plan to live together. However, Abrahms does acknowledge that multigen living is not always ideal – it is not without family friction, and it can put a strain on marriages.
In general, older adults want to remain in contact with adult children and grandchildren, but they also enjoy spending time with friends (Connidis, 1989). Friendship is voluntary and there are no formal rules, so older adults can select friends with whom they have common interests without being bound to them by duty. As long as relationships with friends are reciprocal, older adults can enjoy both giving and receiving various types of support, and having a friendship network helps them maintain a sense of independence (Rook, 1987). Friends may do favors and offer to help one another on a short-term basis (Connidis, 1989). But when older adults begin to need a great deal of help, especially when it is not likely that they will ever be able to reciprocate, they usually turn to family members. This often happens when an older adult has been living independently but then develops a serious illness or begins to need considerable assistance with instrumental activities of daily living such as shopping, cooking, and paying bills. If the need for assistance is expected to continue for a long period of time, there is little chance the older adult will ever be able to reciprocate when the friends who are helping start to need help themselves. At this point, adult children or other family members are usually called in, and some arrangement is made to care for the older family member.
One of your authors knows an affluent older woman who lives independently and whose adult son lives at a considerable distance. When neighbors noticed that she was experiencing cognitive problems that interfered with her daily living, her son was alerted. When he visited, he hired a “companion” to look in on her and accompany her to appointments and leisure activities, such as meals in restaurants. Not all older adults have the financial resources for such an arrangement; some may have to move in with adult children or other relatives if they cannot continue to live on their own. This is especially likely to happen when financial resources are not sufficient for the older adult to pay for an assisted living arrangement.
Myth #27 Older adults want to spend all their time with grandkids and they never have favorites
Let's start by acknowledging that most people are thrilled when the first grandchild arrives. In fact, they're usually thrilled with the birth of the second, third, and even the tenth grandchild as well. They fall in love with those new babies just as they did with their own babies. But something different happens with grandchildren: the birth of a grandchild heralds a new generation, which reinforces family solidarity and a sense of family lineage that will go on and on. Nevertheless, even if the emotions are the same each time a new grandchild is born, the grandparent role can vary considerably, and the relationship is not necessarily identical with every grandchild.
A number of factors can influence grandparent/grandchild roles and relationships. In general, the grandparents' age and stage of life can make a difference. In some cases, grandparents still work full-time and don't have much time to spend with grandchildren compared with grandparents who are retired and have more leisure time. Among grandparents who are retired, those in good health are likely to spend more time with grandchildren compared with those in poor health. Grandparents who live in the same locale are likely to see grandchildren more compared with those who live afar. But we know a set of grandparents who board an airplane every month so they can spend up to two weeks with grandchildren. Perhaps our readers know of similarly devoted grandparents. Also, though this is not the norm, some young grandparents have babies or young children of their own and therefore have less time to devote to their grandchildren.
The marital status of grandparents can play a part in their relationships with grandchildren. For example, a grandparent who remarries after becoming widowed or divorced may spend less time with and be less close to grandchildren. Also, grandparents whose adult children have blended families are likely to be in a more complex situation and may have to allocate their time and attention to step-grandchildren as well as grandchildren. In addition, age of grandchildren is a factor; grandparents usually have a closer relationship when grandchildren are young than when they grow older (Fingerman, 2004).
Kivnick and Sinclair (1996) identified three grandparenting styles: remote, companionate, and involved. Remote grandparents are emotionally distant and formal. Many live far from grandchildren or are busy with work or other interests. Companionate grandparents, probably the most common style in contemporary American society, engage in entertaining and pleasurable leisure activities with grandchildren. In general, however, they avoid interfering in the discipline of grandchildren, leaving it to the parents. Perhaps this is a wise strategy, given the negative attitudes, particularly among middle-class European American mothers, toward grandparents who give unsolicited advice about child-rearing (Norris & Tindale, 1994; Thomas, 1990). In the article on multi-generational housing, Abrahms (2013, April) points out that a potential downside is that grandparents may be viewed as interfering in the rearing of grandchildren when they all live in the same home. On the contrary, advice from grandparents may be more acceptable in African American and Asian American families, especially when the grandparents live in the same household (Norris & Tindale, 1994). Involved grandparentsspend a great deal of time with grandchildren, in some instances caring for them full-time while their parents work outside the home.
With the high divorce rate as well as the difficult economy, parents of young children must often work, and sometimes they turn to grandparents to assist with childcare. In urban African American families, grandmothers are often responsible for rearing grandchildren, especially if the grandchildren's mother is a single parent. Across all ethnic and economic groups, however, custodial grandparents who care for grandchildren on a full-time basis are becoming more prevalent. Sadly, grandparents may function as surrogate parents when adult children are deceased or otherwise unable to fulfill the parental role because of substance abuse or problems with mental or physical health. According to the American Community Survey (Murphey, Cooper, & Moore, 2012), the number of children living in a home headed by a grandparent rose from 4.6 million in 2005–2007 to 5.2 million in 2008–2010. That's about 7% of all children in the U.S. Furthermore, the age distribution of these children was slightly younger in 2008–2010 than previously.
This trend is so important that innovative housing for grandparents who are raising grandchildren is being developed all over the country. For example, a Chicago-based non-profit organization set up a senior campus with three types of buildings: affordable apartments, assisted living facilities, and apartments for grandfamilies. There are on-site social workers, a nearby after-school program, and even a foster parent arrangement whereby grandparents who need to move into assisted living can do so but grandchildren can remain in place (Adler, 2007, June 3).
Grandparents do not necessarily have the same relationship with all of their grandchildren, and they tend to be less invested in any given grandchild when there are large numbers of grandchildren. Overall, compared with grandfathers, grandmothers tend to be more invested in and to enjoy time spent with grandchildren (Fingerman, 1998, 2004). Even so, the strength of ties to grandchildren is dependent to some extent on the relationship of the older generation with the middle generation, or the grandchildren's parents (Fingerman, 2004; Giarrusso & Silverstein, 1995). The quality of the grandparents' relationships with in-laws (especially daughters-in-law) seems to play an especially important role in their ties to and enjoyment of the grandchildren.
It is often assumed that grandparents have similar feelings toward all of their grandchildren. Certainly, expressing an outright preference for one grandchild over another is not something about which grandparents speak freely. But there may be some preference depending on a grandchild's age, gender, or birth order. Also, grandparents may feel closer to a grandchild who shares the same religion than to one who does not, or to a grandchild who has personal attributes of which they approve (e.g., a high level of achievement). Grandparents may consider a particular grandchild to be special in a positive way. In contrast, however, they may find the behavior of another grandchild to be irritating. They may feel frustrated and helpless if they think a grandchild has problems or difficulties, and they may worry about how that grandchild will turn out down the road.
In sum, being a grandparent is not a unitary role. The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is influenced by a variety of factors and can take many forms. Many factors come into play when delineating the type of relationship grandparents have with individual grandchildren and also how they feel about each grandchild.
Myth #28 Sibling relationships are stable throughout life
It is often taken for granted that sibling relationships remain pretty much the same over the lifespan, but in reality this is not the case. What is the nature of sibling relationships, and how do they actually evolve over time?
There are no firm societal rules or formal guidelines about sibling relationships, probably because families come in many different forms and family dynamics can vary along so many dimensions. How many siblings did you have as you were growing up? Did you have sisters and/or brothers? What about birth order – were you the oldest, the youngest, or something in between? What is the age difference between you and your siblings? Were parental expectations the same for all siblings, or were some given more responsibility and others granted greater privileges?
Despite the diversity among families, researchers (e.g., Norris & Tindale, 1994) have suggested that, over time, there is an hourglass effect in sibling relationships. Sibling relationships are closest in the younger growing-up years; they become constricted in early and middle adulthood, but then they move toward greater closeness in late middle age and older adulthood.
In their early years, siblings typically live with the family they were born into (family of origin), which serves to foster closeness. That is not to say siblings never argue or fight physically; such behavior could actually signify a form of closeness fostered by a set of common circumstances. As siblings grow older, their lives begin to diverge. Upon high school graduation, some continue on to a college or university, whereas others enter the workforce. Of those who pursue higher education, some attend schools in their hometown and continue to live in the family home. Others physically leave their family of origin to attend institutions in new cities or states. When they graduate, they may remain in the same locale where they attended school, or perhaps they relocate to a city or area of the country that offers employment opportunities. Marriage is another factor that can determine where people live; some individuals migrate to a new geographical area because of a spouse or significant other. Perhaps because of the differing paths siblings' lives can take, sibling relationships that were once close may not remain so.
As time goes by, young and middle-aged adults typically pursue careers that require long hours of work, sometimes at a considerable distance from siblings. Many marry and form their own families. At this stage of life, the time and money needed for sibling get-togethers can be prohibitive. Also, with marriage there is not only a spouse but also a second set of extended family members, leaving less time for siblings. It should not be surprising, then, that siblings tend to drift apart in the middle years. Nevertheless, siblings often grow closer later in life for several reasons. First, their children are likely to be grown and to have flown the nest, leaving more time for the parents to get together with siblings. Once children are launched, siblings may have more financial resources for visits to brothers and sisters who live at a distance. Careers may have peaked, with plans for retirement in the works.
Another factor that can bring siblings closer is widowhood or even divorce. For siblings in long-term marriages, the spousal relationship usually predominates, leaving less time for sibling relationships, especially if siblings live at a distance. Also, if a brother or sister marries someone who is not pleasant, friendly, or accepting of other family members, there could well be obstacles to siblings' remaining close. But if, down the road, that sibling becomes divorced or widowed, sibling closeness may resume.
One further factor that can lead to increased sibling closeness is that as individuals move into the later years, their common background becomes more meaningful. Also, as members of the oldest generation (i.e., parents but possibly other relatives such as aunts and uncles) begin to need help in some form, siblings must often get together to plan the best strategy for providing the necessary aid. Siblings may find it necessary to interact frequently over concern for elderly parents. For many siblings, getting together in late middle age or early older adulthood over shared concerns for aging parents strengthens their feelings of closeness. However, if siblings harbor resentment over earlier family dynamics or conflicts that were never resolved, negative feelings could flare up when they're forced to reunite over caregiving for aging parents (Bengston et al., 1996; Connidis, 1994). Also, it often happens that the sibling who lives closest shoulders the responsibility for the aging parent. This sibling may resent brothers and sisters who live far away but make no apparent effort to help out with regular visits or financial contributions when these are needed. The resentment felt by the sibling with the caregiving responsibility can be especially intense if he or she feels that a brother or sister was always favored by the parent.
The hourglass effect describes the trajectory of many sibling relationships, but it is important to recognize that not all sibling relationships fit the identical pattern. Gold (1989, 1990) studied samples of both European American and African American late-life sibling dyads and identified five categories of late-life sibling relationships. These categories fall on a continuum from a greater to a lesser degree of emotional closeness, respectively, as follows: intimate, congenial, loyal, apathetic, and hostile. In general, sibling relationships were closer among African Americans than they were among European Americans. Also, sibling dyads that included a sister (either two sisters or a brother and a sister) clustered in the more positive categories, whereas dyads composed of two brothers tended to have less involvement.
An important aspect of late-life sibling relationships is the extent to which siblings say they would provide support for one another in times of crisis or stress. Relationships with siblings are less defined than those with spouses and children, so such behavior is generally considered to be more voluntary (Bengston et al., 1996). According to the hierarchical-compensatory model (Cantor, 1979), individuals have a hierarchy of relationships that determines whom they call upon for support in a time of need. When a spouse or adult children are not available because of death, divorce, or geographical distance, older adults may turn to siblings, who are lower down in the hierarchy. This hierarchical-compensatory model could explain why sibling support is stronger among older adults who are single or widowed, and childless, than it is among older adults who are married and have adult children.
Connidis (1994) conducted a survey of Canadians over the age of 55 and found marital status was an important determinant when it comes to sibling support. Compared with individuals who were married, those who were widowed were more likely to receive sibling support during an illness and on a long-term basis if needed. Those who were widowed or divorced were more likely than those who were married to say that they would provide shelter for a sibling if necessary. Nevertheless, unless siblings already have a reciprocal relationship whereby they help one another on a regular basis, support from a sibling is usually temporary (Cicirelli, 1995).
What other factors determine whether siblings step up to the plate when a brother or sister needs help in a time of need? Number of siblings seems to make a difference: support is more likely when an individual has two or more siblings rather than only one (Connidis, 1994). It's not clear why having only one sibling is a disadvantage, even when the actual support is often supplied by only one sibling. It's possible that one sibling's efforts result from active negotiation among all of the siblings, who reach an agreement over who will be responsible for helping a brother or sister in need. In addition to having two or more siblings, having a sister is a definite advantage – those with sisters were more likely to think they would receive support during a crisis than those with only brothers. It may well be that women tend to maintain stronger ties than men do to their family of origin. Men may have a closer attachment to their wife's family of origin, including her siblings, than to their own family of origin (Bengston et al., 1996).
In sum, sibling relationships do not remain frozen over time. Relationships that were close early in life often drift apart. But in late middle age or early older adulthood, sibling relationships may once again flourish. Ideally, siblings become closer when faced with making decisions about care of the older generation. Late-life sibling relationships will probably take on greater significance in the not too distant future because the rate of divorce is higher today than in decades past. Also, married couples are having fewer children, so siblings could well become a more important source of closeness and support for older adults than they are now.
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